Maternity Leave... is OVER :(

Well, it's finally time for me to go back to work tomorrow. Why can't I just get paid to stay home?? ;) Gah that would be amazing. 

I cannot believe 16 weeks have come and gone... but at the same time, I feel like I haven't been at work in a year. I have been dreading this day for some time. I am so thankful I got 4 more weeks of mat leave unexpectedly and I'm thankful I love where I work and what I do... but man on man I want to be with Davis all day. 

These past 16 weeks have been the most simple weeks of my life... but also SO complicated at the same time. Simple in that my only obligation of the day was to be with Davis and survive. We rarely had obligations. I never knew what day it was. I had to set alarms on my phone to remember when to feed and pump because the days flew by. I never had Sunday-night anxiety. We took it day by day, minute by minute and sometimes second by second as we were waiting for your bottle to warm. Complicated in that I second-guessed every decision we made, exhaustion and completely new territory. Overall, it was absolutely wonderful. Davis has without a doubt changed me for the better. I have been challenged in new ways and have learned more about myself than ever before. My flaws have also been more apparent than ever - He's tested so many things (patience, insecurities, flexibility, inconsistency, exhaustion, etc), but it has been a beautiful journey. It was just he and I spending our day together and that's all that mattered.

He made me a morning person... now THAT is a miracle! ;) I genuinely look forward to waking up and experiencing new things together... getting to know each other in new ways that next day and strengthening our bond. Isn't that what truly living life is all about? I am so glad he changed me in that way.

I'm interested to see how I handle this new chapter of my life as "working mommy." I know I will miss him like crazy, but I also hope I find fulfillment during my hours at work. I hope I'm still as passionate, but I also hope that I bring a fresh perspective of what really matters and how much I let work affect my mood. My main goal is that we continue to life a slow, intentional life. I don't want to constantly be rushing around from here and there, not enjoying our time together as a family. Because those amazing moments that make your heart swell and eyes tear up happen unexpectedly and I don't want to be too busy to miss them. 

What I remember most when I think back to maternity leave and my time with Davis:

• My mom coming over right soon after he was born to watch him so I could sleep or take a bath.
• Mornings with daddy - Davis is happiest in the mornings and I loved our time just the three of us. We would both get up and go wake Davis up together in his crib. It was silly how giddy Tripp and I would get - Tripp would say "let's go wake our son up." In his crib, we'd turn the lights on dim and talk to him and he'd smile and slowly open up his eyes as he was waking up. I changed his diaper and Tripp got the bottle ready and started coffee. I got my coffee and pumped with Tripp fed Davis. After he was done feeding, he put Davis facing him in the boppy and he would smile/coo/make noises and be SO HAPPY. He usually pooped too :) Then Tripp left and Davis and I started our day together.
• Choosing the one time of day I wanted to go run errands. We typically didn't get out twice, just once... and I always did it during his naptime because he sleeps in the car so well. 
• Walking around Target with Davis asleep in the cart and a Coke Icee in my hand.
• Reading babywise a bajillion times a day looking for help/answers when Davis wouldn't sleep.
• Driving to Onyx in Springdale just for some delicious coffee.
• The TODAY Show... I loved getting to watch this! I felt more connected to what was actually going on in the world (and pop culture) than ever before. Especially Hoda and Kathie Lee. 
• The Americans - I had high hopes for watching all of these TV shows/series after Davis was born. I thought Tripp and I would watch them when we were up... but that didn't happen ha. I DID watch 4 seasons of the Americans and I loved every minute. I usually watched it while I was pumping or when Davis was asleep.
• Reading Harry Potter in his rocker. It's so crazy to think back to when I started the first book and how I would swaddle him and read to him and he would always fall asleep... it was such a good way to get him to settle down. Now, he's so much bigger and more alert when we read.
• Black pants, nursing tanks and my Barefoot Dreams cardigans - pretty much what i wore every. single. day. It was fabulous.
• Eating WAY too many sweats. I have never been more hungry in my life than when I'm pumping right now and I could not stop eating sweets. I'd probably be so much skinnier based on all of the calories I'm burning with pumping, but I couldn't put those sweets down.
• Stonemill cranberry pecan bread with turkey and lettuce sandwiches + fritos. I ate this all of the time for lunch.
• Looking forward to 5pm-ish when Tripp came home and it was the three of us :)

We are so fortunate to have people that love him taking care of him when I'll be at work. My mom is watching him Mondays & Wednesdays... and Mrs. Jane is watching him Tuesdays & Thursdays. I'll be working from home with him on Fridays. I'm grateful I'm not dropping him off at daycare with strangers and he will continue to be on our schedule in the comfort of his own home. My biggest, selfish concern is that our bond will be affected... that he won't always look for me in the crowd of people staring at him and trying to make him smile... that he won't always look when he hears my voice across the room... that he will eventually reach for my mom or Mrs. Jane versus me. 

Here's to a new chapter. We got this.